The Smoking Rant

Here's one of those topics that I've kinda wanted to write about since I started this blog dealie.

Let me start off by saying that this isn't directed towards any particular person. I realize I may be making some broad generalizations, that's just it; they're generalizations. I know that some points I make may not apply to you if you smoke (and we're just talking tobacco here, folks...other substances are for another day), but there are almost always exceptions to the rules, and stereotypes don't apply to every person. But, remember, there are stereotypes for a reason.

The basic point is this: I hate smoking. Again, I don't hate certain individuals who choose to smoke - that's their choice and I'm not going to harp on them for that. They've got plenty of other people to do that already. More specifically, I hate the attitude most smokers exhibit. This kind of cocky, arrogant, "oh we're so damn cool" kind of attitude. Just watch a group of people lounging around smoking. Puffing their cigarettes, trying to act way, way too cool for someone who's breathing noxious fumes. I wouldn't want to be standing next to someone who exhales sulfuric acid vapor, would you? Heck, for all we know they are.

And let me tell you, there's nothing sexier than a cute young girl, standing outside in the freezing weather, shivering her ass off (girls have a hard enough time controlling their body temperatures without intentionally standing outside without a coat on), puffing on a butt. And you know (even I had a chance) it would be a real treat to wake up with her hocking up a nice chunk of lung first thing in the morning. "Uh, no jelly on my toast, thank you."

This attitude plays into what has got to be one of my Top Three Biggest Pet Peeves Ever: something I call "butt-flicking", for lack of a better term. Ever since humans first spun wet clay around into round shapes, there have been ashtrays. C'mon, admit it: your first pottery project ever always turned out to be an ashtray. Hell, even I've done it, and nobody in my family smokes. (But, I did stick a little smiley-face head in the center of mine so it wasn't "officially" an ashtray.) So why some smokers can't figure out this extremely simple device is beyond me. It's not like we're trying to hide them - they're usually all over the damn place wherever smoking is tolerated. Some quick-thinkers even use old cups or beer bottles or cans or whatever else is on hand.

There are two situations where this really ticks me off: on the balconies of the dorms in which I used to live in at college, and while driving a car. First, I'll get the environmental issues out of the way. Ok, you're casually tossing away what is essentially a tiny little fire. It's a damn good thing you're not doing this during a drought or other dry conditions, you could set a whole forest ablaze, potentially. (So maybe that's how those forest fires start every year in the Los Angeles area. Hey, it's more likely than lightning, I bet.) Even if you are lucky enough not to be the cause of a case of arson, you're still leaving this tiny little cotton filter, or whatever the heck it is. You people know how damn fast those things can pile up. I swear to [insert your diety of choice here], the area under those aforementioned balconies were more butts than grass. I would absolutely love to see a driver get one of those $500 fines for littering for just one of those tiny things.

Ok, another issue. Say I happen to be walking underneath the balconies. Maybe I'm heading back to my room after a hard day of classes, or a just-tolerable-enough meal from the dining commons. I'm walking along, la-dee-dah-dee-dah, when all of a sudden, I'm BOMBARDED BY STINKY HELLFIRE FROM ABOVE! I am surprised I haven't hear reports of people being burned, blinded, set on fire, or otherwise seriously injured from the assholes (gasp!) who are too cool to properly snuff out the cigarette when they're finished, let alone dispose of it properly. Oh, and about putting them out: I'm sorry you're too weak, or weak-minded (or weak-lunged, most likely...no, wait, weak-minded is the way I want to go), to be able to bend over a little bit and make a slight twisting action with your wrist. Sure, you can drop the butt and scrunch it with your foot, I acknowledge your lack of manners and motor skills! And thanks so much for just leaving your little present there, maybe it'll even leave a burn mark as a remind of your thoughtfulness!
I'm sorry, I try not to be so overly sarcastic. See how mad this makes me?

Back to the drivers. I always flip off drivers whenever I notice the little orange particle system (Me am computer guy!!!11) appear by their tires. Last time I checked, weren't ashtrays a standard feature in every car model? I know cigarette lighters aren't around as much as they used to be, but I don't think I've EVER seen a vehicle without an ashtray lurking somewhere. Is it really that much of an inconvenience to keep the butt in your car? Sure, you might be up to your knees in soot after a trip, but vacuum cleaners aren't that hard to figure out.

There is one thing, though, that almost makes me want to smoke. (That's a very tiny almost, mind you.) There is a sense of comraderie amonst smokers that I wish I could have better access to. There are two break rooms where I work (again with the workplace? I do happen to spend a lot of my day there, so sorry), one smoking, one non. There are very few times when the smoking room isn't practically overflowing with people, smoking and talking it up. The other day I was a little bit thrown by a question from a co-worker during my lunch (in the non-smoking room, naturally). He asked me if I had ever smoked, or have quit. This question actually puzzled me. I have been used to not-smoking for so long, I was thrown, almost offended, by someone just asking, almost assuming that I once had. Turns out he was wondering if I was a honest-to-goodness non-smoker, or just enjoying the peace and quiet of the non-smoking room.

Yeah, I know this smoking "bond" probably stems from when kids start (and let's face it, I don't know of anyone who starts smoking late in life, do you?) and there's this rebellious quality that everyone shares. So it's a bit of shame I can't get instant friends like that (there I go with that lonliness thing again :P). On the other hand, these are grizzled, foul-mouthed, blue-collar working class types that frequent this break room, so I guess I can stand not being "invited" to the party. Sure I can go in if I really want...I did the first couple days I worked there, and got the "So, do you smoke?" question. "Second-hand. Does that count?" But I'd be wasting valuable smoking space.

So I'm sorry if you were offended by this if this doesn't apply to you. But, idiots like these - any kind, actually - are not exempt from ridicule. Maybe after we wrap up this War on Terror (remember that's how it started?), we can declare a War on Idiots. That'd be nice, huh? Except it'll probably turn out like the War on Drugs (and likely this War on Terror too), where we do stuff about it for a while, and everyone seems pleased, then it goes back to the way it was before. But I guess that's another rant for another day. Thanks.

posted by Tim at 2:30 AM